How many people are in Zebro?

I'd like to personally thank the viewing public for being so gracious towards our humble collective. I know that many of you are confused as to the exact origins of Zebro, what is Zebro, who exactly is in Zebro, etc. None of us are sure of all of the answers.

I know I'm in Zebro. There's an old axiom... I think, therefore I am. I'm drinking Schlitz at eleven AM in an abandoned bear cage, therefore I'm in Zebro. I think.

I posited this dilemma to Elisha over some Frosted Flakes one morning. He was silent for a while. I believed him to be lost in thought. However, when I reached over the table to caress his face, he shuddered away into nothingness, my old friend becoming dust specks in a sunbeam. I finished my Frosted Flakes alone. I considered asking Purwin if he also didn't exist, but decided not to risk it, as I cannot pay rent all by myself.

This little encounter, or lack thereof, left me rather confused. If Elisha didn't exist, how did Zebro come about? Who was it that said "Let's make a video about hand sex"? I turned to the bastion we all turn towards in our times of existential despair: the internet. Specifically, www.howmanyofme.com. For your convenience, I have compiled a list of statistics to give you a better idea of who is really in Zebro and who is real in Zebro and who is really Zebro and whose is really Zebro. I apologize if I left anyone out, because really, who is really real in Zebro?

I decided to start with Elisha Yaffe. I was very confused about his non-existence. If Elisha wasn't real, then why did I bother going outside to smoke cigarettes? And what was all that vegetarian shit in the fridge? And yet after tireless research, there it was, staring at me in the face:

• There are 0 people in the U.S. named Elisha Yaffe.
• While both names you entered were found in our database, neither was common enough to make it likely that someone in the U.S. has that name.

Folks, this the internet we're talking about. I immediately lit up a cigarette... indoors! I thought I heard someone in the other room complain, but knowing this was impossible, resolved to take my first shit of the day in "Elisha's" bed. Oh, and another thing.

"66.67 percent of people with the first name Elisha are female."

Pretty damning stuff. Then I remembered that my rent was due soon. I couldn't put it off any longer... I had to find out if my other roommate, Mike Purwin, was one of those goddamn "figment faggots".

(I apologize for the antiquated language. "Figment Faggot" has nothing to do with the modern slur for homosexual. It was coined by former President William Henry Harrison who, while deathly ill, complained of invisible urchins who would pinch him "about the face and neck", and torment him by hiding his kerchiefs in the bacon fat tin.)

I typed in "Mike Purwin".

There are 0 people in the U.S. named Mike Purwin.

Fuck. I reflected on how wise it was that I had not yet shit in Elisha's bed, because I was probably going to have to sell that. Then I tried "Michael Purwin".

There are 6 people in the U.S. named Michael Purwin.

Success! I was living with six people. I may not have to pay my share at all. Inspired by this, I researched the rest of Zebro. Some of the results made me laugh. Some made me cry. Some made me dread the ridiculous amount of Christmas shopping I was going to have to do.

This post should help you get to know Zebro better. I've included a bit more about each person (some movies they've been in, typical YouTube reactions) so you don't have to navigate to the "Bios" section to figure out that I was the guy who looks kind of like Kevin McDonald.

Matt James:
An Inconvenient Truth with Matt James, The High Food Critic.
Typical YouTube user reaction:

Ice3461 (2 months ago)

got on the wrong boat by accident.. haha! you PWN

Does Matt James PWN? There are 1,038 people in the U.S. named Matthew James. Also, according to the website, he may or may not be related to LeBron James. I'm sorry, I mean LeBrpn James. I think.

Justin Becker:
Schooltime Academy, White Progressive People Fight Racism
Typical YouTube user reaction:

dasevergnini (3 weeks ago)

u need to learn to shave

There are 136 people in the U.S. named Justin Becker. Impressive, I suppose. But there are 86,991 people in the U.S. with the last name Becker, and this is the most famous one: http://www.meretbecker.de/#
Not even actually in the United States. Step it up, Justin. And yes, I took your DVDs by accident. Jesus.

Ani Raya-Flores
The Only Girl in Zebro, Jennifer Ryan Stiles Jr.

Typical YouTube user reaction:
bluez4soul (3 days ago)

She's cute (I'm not a pervuert!).

There are 0 people in the U.S. named Analisa Raya. There is 1 person in the U.S. named Analisa Flores. There are 0 people in the U.S. named Analisa Raya-flores. Conclusion: Ani blacked out drunk and then amended her last name to explain the lightning tattoo on her back.

Fred Young
Malaprop Comic, All Your Birthdays

Typical YouTube user reaction:

bgpiper (2 months ago)

I really wish this guy actually existed, then it would be truly funny.

Well, bgpiper, take heart. There are 446 people in the U.S. named Frederick Young. And yes, it is 446 times funnier that Fred Young actually exists.

Bob Walles
Laundry Day, Zebro Meets the Goo Goo Dolls
Typical YouTube user reaction:

NaughtySkoolBoy (1 month ago)

sexy guys dressed in drag... It's sad the one in the domi costume has a perkier ass than me. Daaaamn youuuuuuuuu

There are 5 people in the U.S. named Robert Walles. One less then Mike Purwin. But he gets an extra point for his perky, perky ass. Have you seen it? It's fantastic.

Sunita Mani
SchoolTime Academy, Catstravaganza!
Typical YouTube user reaction:

Kevin788 (7 months ago)

OMG ITS THE INDIAN BLOSSOM WHOA! WHERES JOEY

There are 0 people in the U.S. named Sunita Mani. Whoa. But... but... she's Bollywood's answer to popular television character "Blossom". How can this be? Get ready for it: There are 0 people in the U.S. with the first name Sunita. Apparently, she's entirely made up. By who?

When I think on it, I've never seen Sunita without Mike Purwin nearby holding a flashlight. Apparently she is a shadow-puppet character with a silly name. His other characters include "Doozely-Dove", the friendly bird, and "Suneither", Sunita's evil twin, who is also a bird.

Daniel Scheinert
Zebro on Boston's Aqua Teen Bomb Scare, Laundry Day
Typical YouTube user reaction:

purplepassion69 (1 week ago)

Daniel makes a HOT woman.

Daniel makes a hot woman, but he'd make an even hotter Daniel Scheinert. He doesn't exist. There are 0 people in the U.S. named Daniel Scheinert. And wrap your mind around THIS: There are 0 people in the U.S. with the last name Scheinert. That one really made me flip out. It really made me go and shit in Elisha's bed. Either Daniel doesn't exist, or his family name was changed at Ellis Island. This is unlikely. Nothing gets simplified to "Scheinert", unless their surname was "Scheinrenglaadenschtirchteldeanert".

My mind blown, I decided to skip to the good stuff.

Bryan Condon
Love Corner, Mike the Basement Fortune Teller
Typical YouTube user reaction:

CobaltCalcium (6 months ago)

HOLY CHRIST!!! Look at his veins at about 3:35!!! Their freakin huge, but that parts hilarious!

The moment of truth. Would I be going on to Matt Jamesesque glory, fighting alongside legions and legions of myself? Or would I be whisked away to the nether world with Elisha and Daniel and Sunita, like those shadow ghosts in that movie... "Ghost"? My veins bulged in anticipation.

There are 12 people in the U.S. named Bryan Condon.

Twelve. Fucking twelve. That is weak. And lame. To quote Jason Newstead, "Really fucking lame. And weak."

So I decided that some questions were best left unanswered. Specifically, questions that are hard to think about. Math is an example. Another is "How many people are in Zebro". I didn't even get to the Marlys, the Dustins, the Nats, the Pats, the Rat-a-tat-tats, or that kid from Suffolk University who's always eating bologna.

Who is in Zebro? We'll worry about that when we get our first paycheck.

And apparently almost all of it is going to Matt James.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 0 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

-Bryan

Fred Young Not On a DVD

I finally rented Snakes on a Plane last night. I had put off seeing the film mostly out of modesty. With our Snakes on a Plane themed show last year and out of that the music videos Zebro did I knew that I personally had a lot to do with the pre-success of the film. But also keep in mind I usually don't pick my movies straight off the new release wall. I'm big on the classics when I rent. Fortunately I finished all the classics this past weekend so I was looking to shift my focus to movies that I might be in the special features of. I decided to start alphabetically with Snakes on a Plane. I had waited long enough.

After loading the disc I immediately selected the special features - then documentaries - then snakes on a blog featurette. I was told in advance where to go. I didn't have time to play around. Blah Blah ugly guys. Oh there's Daniel - this is promising. Oh Daniel and Sunitha. And there's Matt James.

Finally the relevant section. I've been very patient so far looking at these people talk about Snakes on a Plane. I'm ready to see myself on a DVD. Someone says, "I love some of the fan music videos people have made" with scenes from Daniel and Sunitha's 100%. I was actually in that video too. Then some dude says "Snakes on a Plane rap" And we get a clip of Matt James rhyming "I get on a plane, high out of my brain. I'm showing disdain for these snakes on this Plane." And that's it.

There is no me anywhere on the Snakes on a Plane DVD! No wonder this movie tanked!

What were you thinking New Line? Let's take all emotion out of it. Scientifically speaking I was just a much more compelling image than Matt James in the video. No offense but he looks like a thug! Why do you think my handlers had me holding those flowers? Because Flowers are pretty and the ladies love flowers. New Line apparently didn't want to sell any DVDs to half the world's population! My grandfather knew that. He would bring home flowers to my grandma every time he went to the supermarket for fifty years. You wouldn't have to tell him having me on the DVD was a good idea.



I would have been hands down the best looking guy on the disc.

I realize my mistake now. When New Line contacted us and got our permission to use our videos on the DVD months ago I had the option right then of saying "Yes you may use our content. But to protect you - you may only use it if you promise to do the right thing and have a shot of Fred Young in the Special Features." But sometimes you can't just hold everyone's hand. You can bring a horse to water the saying goes. Well New Line, you look pretty thirsty on this one. Like a thirsty horse.

I'm not really mad anymore. I've accepted Matt, Daniel, and Sunitha's apologies. The whole situation really confused Sunitha at first and she disappeared for a while after she found out I wasn't on the disc. I'm going to be fine though. We decided as a group to keep making videos. Bad things happen sometimes. We decided it would be unbelievable to think that New Line would ever exclude me from one of their releases again. The Tenacious D DVD comes out February 27th. I'll probably be on that one. - fred

We made ourselves a blog.

The two things we promise to use this blog for:

1. Updating you on exciting developments in our lives.
OR
2. Posting pictures of cats with silly things on them.

As you can see below, today was a non-development day.

Love,
Elisha